Tender Moments

Tonight I was snuggling Lyric and I just thought about how lucky I am to have these tender moments with him. So many parents have lost their baby during the pregnancy or shortly after the birth but I get to hold and sing to my baby. I just feel very blessed.

Also while having the tender moment with my monkey it made me miss the moments we had while I was pregnant. That was such a special time and I miss having him with me every moment and him just being all mine. I got to always feel him and have that close bond. I love that he has a great daddy but at the same time sometimes I don't like sharing him! I know it sounds crazy but its the truth. While he was in my belly he felt like he was all mine. Now that it has passed I realize how much I miss it. Since I had such a hard pregnancy I truly never thought I would miss it but I now can't remember the hard stuff only the good times of him kicking, singing to him on my long drives to and from work and cradling my belly to sleep and knowing we were always together. Now I have to leave him to go to college and I miss him every moment.

I just love him so very much and he is my song.

Disgusted

I watched a documentary on Investigative Discovery about the Phelps Family and their Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas. I have never felt more disgusted in my life. This family and their Church run a cult and protest military funerals. They hold signs saying Fags are going to hell, Fag Lovers and other horrible hatred messages. They tell anyone that isn't doing exactly what they believe that they are going to hell. I believe that I do not have the right to judge others and say where they are going when they die because I have my own sin to worry about. This church rejoices when people die, get cancer, get hit by cars or anything else saying its God righteous judgement. True Christians knows that the pain and death of this world is not God. Satan controls this world. We have free will to choose God he doesn't cause pain and death unto us. Blaming him for it is just wrong.  I have never seen people more concerned with spreading hate then leading people to God.

Never in my life have I ever wanted to beat the crap out of someone more than the mother leading her children out into the world spreading those hateful messages. How dare you think that it is even remotely okay to decide if someone is going to "hell" you are not God and the fact you are parading around giving out those judgements will come back to bite you when you meet him and answer what have you done in your life. To watch these poor children and teenagers grow up with so much judgement and hate in their hearts brings tears to my eyes. Watching little children (4, 5 and 6 year olds) yell out Fag Nation and Fag Lovers breaks my heart. They are growing up hearing such vile language and it is being ingrained in them. To protest a military funeral is so shameful. Whether you go to war or not how dare you shove signs calling the soldiers "Fag Lovers" and "Thank God for dead soldiers" when their family and friends are mourning their lives. Those men and women died fighting for your ignorant ass to stand their and protest. Try doing that in the middle east and you will be murdered but here in the United States, which you say is a Fag Nation, we allow freedom of speech. It so foul I just cant get over it. We all are going to meet our maker and how dare you think you have a right to pass your judgement on me "in the name of God". You are seriously mistaken about the God I serve that's for sure.

I am going to raise my son to be kind and compassionate to those that might not be living the way you choose to live. To love anyone because that my friend is a commandment. You are to love others the way Jesus has loved you. I don't understand why people spread a message of God's hatred when his love is so powerful. His love can change a persons life. God loves each and every person and cries every time we sin. I know he is shedding so many tears watching these people spread lies regarding him and his love.

Oh and their leader Fred Phelps is the most vile and disgusting person I have ever heard preach. He cusses during his sermons and is and old, arrogant asshole.

If you want to read more about them their website is: www.godhatesfags.com

Finding Peace

Do we as "Christians" really show love by judging others lives and choices? How can we imagine what its like to be in someones position and know what they have been through. The choices we make whether right or wrong in someone elses' eyes is our journey. Sometimes it takes someone a long time to get where others already are and have been. You should be happy you haven't had to go through what others have that might have held them back in darkness.

We need to find peace and acceptance within ourselves so that we can look at others with love and not judgement. We are not God and have no idea the personal struggles and pain someone has and gone through. As "Christians" we need to only love with a pure heart and allow God to use us in any way he desires.

I feel a lot of people tend to allow their pride to elevate themselves above others thinking they are doing good when actually they are damaging another person. When we go into the world waving a Jesus flag and act in a judging way we push people farther away from him than bringing people to him.

One sin is not better/worse than another sin...it's just that some sin is visable to the outside world. You should look at your own secret sin and work on that first.

Family Photos

We had a great family photo session last night. We had met with her (Beckie the photographer) a few weeks ago but I hated the way I looked in them so she came and met up with us again. Now I want to just say that it had nothing to do with her photography but rather my self image problem. So here is some really good shots we got from yesterday. We should have them all within a week or so. The photographer that did them is amazing...here is her blog (hint we are on it! http://ellenwalterstudio.com/blog )

Understanding

I need some advice or understanding really bad. I'm so annoyed with people's actions but at the same time I know I'm not perfect. I try to be a good friend and call, visit, text or write my friends as much as I can. I know I fall short in some areas but try extremely hard. How is it that somehow my "friends" here still get upset with me. We live in the same town and I have lots of friends and family and I do my best at seeing people and keeping in contact but at the same exact time the phone works BOTH ways. Don't blame me for not calling when you obviously have a phone too. The worst part is that its not malicious at all on my end. I get so busy and with life, baby and family it gets exhausting. I'm starting to really get upset about one ended friendship. When I am the only one trying and always getting the flack then obviously I'm the only one that cares so why not just let the friendship end! When I moved away only 2 people actually came down and visited me in a whole year!!! But every time I would come up to town people would get upset if I didn't come see them? Why is the ball only in my court? Why are people acting like we are still in high school? It's so frustrating and irritating I just want to scream.

I love my friends that I can call or text out of the blue and just catch up like no time has passed because they are adults who have their own lives and understand what friendship actually means. I have some great friends who live far away like Tammy, Michelle, Jenni, Tristan, Sandy, Natalie, Sara and Annie who I can talk with whenever we get a free moment and its just an uplifting good friendship. That is what gets me through crap like this.

I think that hardest thing about friendships is knowing when they have run their course. Knowing that some are just for a season in your life and its okay if they end. They don't have to end badly but they don't have to be dragged through your life cause when its forced that is when I think it ends bad.

So after all this reflection on my part why then do I still let it get to me. Why do I want so badly for my "friends" not be angry at me? I'm a mom now and working on finishing my education I just don't have time for this but at the same time I hate when people are mad at me even when I don't feel like its my fault. Then I try to fix it and most of the time its by me eating crow that I should be on the other persons plate. To me it just shows that I need better boundaries and left go of hurtful relationships!

Ugh...so after all this I'm still upset and wish I knew how to make sense of all my feelings!

Lyric is 4 months today

My baby boy is already 4 months old today. Its so amazing to know that I have been able to be his mommy and watch him grow these last 4 months. He is such a happy baby and smiles all the time. He has started to reach for his toys and even tries to hold his bottle. He sleeps so well for only being 4 months. His favorite things has to be his daddy. They are so cute together and have such a strong bond already. It seems like everyday he is more and more alert and changing so much.

Being his mommy is the best thing I have ever done and will ever do in my life.

I just LOVE him!

Moving

Man moving was so crazy and stressful but the chaos is over. We are in our new place in Oroville and almost all done unpacking. All we need is to put up the books and dvds and then hang pictures and curtains. Should all be done today!

It has been nice being back here and seeing my friends and family. I have so missed them. Our place is not bad at all either. Its an apartment but its in the corner of a complex and we are on the bottom floor with no one above us so that is nice. Its quiet and the layout is working well with our stuff so the flow is good. Lyrics room is all done and its just too cute! Im going to get some pictures of the house in the next few days and post them.

I have a written test on Friday for a job I applied for at the City of Chico! Hoping it goes well!