Understanding

I need some advice or understanding really bad. I'm so annoyed with people's actions but at the same time I know I'm not perfect. I try to be a good friend and call, visit, text or write my friends as much as I can. I know I fall short in some areas but try extremely hard. How is it that somehow my "friends" here still get upset with me. We live in the same town and I have lots of friends and family and I do my best at seeing people and keeping in contact but at the same exact time the phone works BOTH ways. Don't blame me for not calling when you obviously have a phone too. The worst part is that its not malicious at all on my end. I get so busy and with life, baby and family it gets exhausting. I'm starting to really get upset about one ended friendship. When I am the only one trying and always getting the flack then obviously I'm the only one that cares so why not just let the friendship end! When I moved away only 2 people actually came down and visited me in a whole year!!! But every time I would come up to town people would get upset if I didn't come see them? Why is the ball only in my court? Why are people acting like we are still in high school? It's so frustrating and irritating I just want to scream.

I love my friends that I can call or text out of the blue and just catch up like no time has passed because they are adults who have their own lives and understand what friendship actually means. I have some great friends who live far away like Tammy, Michelle, Jenni, Tristan, Sandy, Natalie, Sara and Annie who I can talk with whenever we get a free moment and its just an uplifting good friendship. That is what gets me through crap like this.

I think that hardest thing about friendships is knowing when they have run their course. Knowing that some are just for a season in your life and its okay if they end. They don't have to end badly but they don't have to be dragged through your life cause when its forced that is when I think it ends bad.

So after all this reflection on my part why then do I still let it get to me. Why do I want so badly for my "friends" not be angry at me? I'm a mom now and working on finishing my education I just don't have time for this but at the same time I hate when people are mad at me even when I don't feel like its my fault. Then I try to fix it and most of the time its by me eating crow that I should be on the other persons plate. To me it just shows that I need better boundaries and left go of hurtful relationships!

Ugh...so after all this I'm still upset and wish I knew how to make sense of all my feelings!